


The Lister Problem

by felineranger



Series: The Todster Files [2]
Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Everybody loves Lister, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-24
Updated: 2015-05-24
Packaged: 2018-04-01 01:32:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4000858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/felineranger/pseuds/felineranger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequel to Rimmer's Report</p><p>After getting dumped by Kochanski, Lister explores his options.  But he's got no idea just how many options he has.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lord Valery Mimes (HannahMiaLipstick)](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Lord+Valery+Mimes+%28HannahMiaLipstick%29).



                Captain Hollister read through the report in front of him with an expression of weary frustration. He wasn’t equipped to deal with this. This was not why he’d joined the space corps. Frankly, he’d had it up to here with the whole business. He pressed the intercom on his desk and asked his assistant Schwarz to send for Todhunter. His first officer arrived promptly a few minutes later and Hollister gestured for him to take a seat. “I’m assuming you’ve read my report, Sir,” Todhunter remarked knowingly as he sat down.

“Yes, I have. I’ve also just finished a very colourful supplementary report by Rimmer.” Todhunter winced sympathetically. Hollister tapped his pen against the desk, agitated. “This can’t go on,” he said disapprovingly.

“I agree, Sir, but I’m at rather a loss as to what to do. I don’t really see a way to solve the problem. It’s all rather delicate.”

“It’s ridiculous is what is,” Hollister replied grumpily. For crying out loud, the lad wasn’t even a knockout. He was a short scruffy slob, but apparently it didn’t make a difference. There was just something about David Lister that seemed to drive people crazy

The really crazy thing was, Lister (as far as Hollister could tell) didn’t even seem to realise the effect he had on people. He’d saunter down the corridors oblivious to the hungry stares. He’d return the numerous flirtatious greetings with a smile and a friendly wave, apparently unaware they were anything more than playful banter. It wasn’t as if Hollister could haul him in here and tell him to behave himself and stop flirting, or to dress more appropriately. Given the general state of Lister’s clothes, telling him to dress more appropriately would only serve to make him _more_ desirable rather than less. He wasn’t trying to seduce the whole damn crew, but it was like he gave off some kind of pheromone. There was something about that compact sturdy body, those dark merry eyes, that bright sunny smile… Hollister gave himself a mental shake and tried to concentrate.

When Kochanski had come along, he had breathed a sigh of relief. With Lister spoken for, he had hoped that would be the end of it. But now that had all changed. Kochanski had given Lister the push and now things were worse than ever. She hadn’t just made Lister available again, she’d made him vulnerable; and damn if that broken-hearted, kicked-puppy demeanour didn’t make him ten times more smegging attractive than he’d been in the first place. Now it felt like half of the crew were at war for the privilege of being Lister’s rebound bang. It hadn’t been long before trouble started. There had been arguments, even fights breaking out.  

Things had come to a head in Parrots Bar last night. Tipsy and hurting, Lister had amassed a crowd of sympathetic admirers who’d gathered around, eager to buy him drinks and ease his pain. He’d ended up so drunk he could barely stand, let alone walk. Inevitably, at the end of the evening, when he’d collapsed to the floor weeping “I just love her so much!”, one of his prospective suitors (Edith Leclaire from catering, according to the incident statements) had piped up that someone ‘should really take the poor thing home’. The decision of who exactly this was going to be immediately become the subject of intense debate. The debate turned into an argument. The argument descended into an all-out riot. Chairs were broken. Tables overturned. Glasses smashed. Lister had apparently remained on the floor in the middle of it all, sobbing miserably, completely unaware of the chaos surrounding him. The scrum had finally been broken up by Todhunter, who had put the whole bar on report and summoned Rimmer to collect Lister while several crew members were taken to the medibay with minor injuries.

“Perhaps we could send Lister away on shore leave for a little while?” Todhunter suggested, “Just until things simmer down a bit?”

“How long for? A week? A month? It’ll all start up again the moment he sets foot back on board.”

“He’ll meet someone else eventually.”

“And in the meantime? Even if we don’t end up with another full-scale riot on our hands, it’s not going to stop Rimmer writing me an essay every damn week.” It was typical that Lister got along famously with just about everyone barring his roommate, and wasn’t that just the ultimate irony? They had put Lister in a room with just about the only person on board who would moan about it; although Hollister strongly suspected that the ferocity with which Rimmer had taken against him (evidenced by the long list of ridiculous complaints in his personnel file) was a symptom of something far more heated and volatile than simple dislike. No, he didn’t think Rimmer was immune to Lister’s charm in the slightest.

The latest episode in this saga was still sitting on Hollister’s desk. Rimmer, of course, had put in a complaint about being woken in the night to deal with his inebriated roommate. “To be fair, Sir,” Todhunter protested gently, “I’m fairly sure Rimmer would complain no matter who you put him down to share with. I don’t think you can blame Lister for that.”

“I’m not blaming Lister, but the two of them sharing a room isn’t exactly helping the situation. It’s certainly not helping me.”

“I understand, Sir.”

“Why didn’t you just take Lister home last night?” Hollister asked in exasperation, “Why did you have to go and get Rimmer involved?”

“Well, to be perfectly honest, Sir,” Todhunter had looked down, red-faced, “I didn’t quite trust myself to be a gentleman.”

“You too?” Hollister exclaimed in dismay.

“Yes, Sir. Sorry. I realise it’s not very professional of me but I can’t help it. Lister just has a certain je ne sais quoi. Rimmer’s the only person on board who I thought could be relied on not to do anything…inappropriate.”

“Really? You’re sure about that?”

Todhunter shrugged awkwardly, “Rimmer is far too deep in denial to try and take advantage of Lister. Even if he thought about it, I’m 99% sure he wouldn’t act on it.”

                Hollister rubbed at his temples. He was getting a headache. Obviously something had to be done. There were three and a half years left of this voyage. The Lister Effect had to be contained somehow, before someone died. “I need to think about this,” he said heavily, “But to be honest, right now I’m very tempted to just stick Lister in stasis and be done with it.”

“That seems a little harsh, Sir. None of this is his fault.”

“If you come up with a better solution then by all means, let me know,” Hollister grumbled.

 

                Lister tentatively made his way through the corridors to find himself something to cure his hangover. Everything was too bright and too loud and although his memories of last night were sketchy at best, he was fairly certain he’d made a twat of himself. He just wanted to find a gallon-sized jug of Alka-Seltzer and go back to bed. “Dave!” Todhunter rounded the corner and smiled at him, “I’m surprised to see you up and about after last night.”

“Me too,” Lister gave him a wobbly smile in return.

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but you don’t look too clever, old chap.”

“I’ll survive,” Lister said glumly, “Although I could have done without Rimmer’s hammond organ CD’s first thing this morning.”

“Ouch,” Todhunter pulled a face.

“Yeah, ouch.”

“Just out of curiosity, exactly how much do you remember of last night?”

“Hardly anything,” Lister admitted, “But I woke up in my own bed with all my clothes on, so I’m guessing nothing too dramatic happened.” Todhunter debated whether or not to enlighten him and decided now might not be the best time. “Well,” he said cheerfully, “I made sure you got home before anyone got your trousers off.” _But only just_ , he thought to himself.

“Really?” Lister asked.

“I can’t take all the credit. But I asked Rimmer to fetch you when things started to get, uh, out of control.”

“Thanks, man.” Lister was surprised. He and Todhunter had maintained a polite, but not unfriendly, distance since he’d found out the man had a crush on him. It was nice that he’d looked out for him despite the fact things had become a little awkward between them.

                “Are you okay?” Todhunter asked him seriously, “This whole thing with Kochanski hasn’t knocked you too much?”

“I’ll get over it,” Lister replied stonily, although just the sound of her name made him feel like he’d swallowed hot lead.

“I’m sure you will. I know it’s a cliché but there’s plenty more fish in the sea.”

“Yeah. Just a shame we’re in space where fish are in much shorter supply.”

“Yes, I suppose the number of fish currently available is somewhat limited,” Todhunter allowed with a smile, “But you can have your pick of them. Believe me.” Lister gave him a faint smile back. He didn’t believe the flattery but he appreciated it nonetheless.  

“Right now, I don’t feel like I could land me a fish if she jumped right into the boat.”

Todhunter clapped him warmly on the shoulder, “Get yourself some water and some meds and a good sleep. Things will seem better when you wake up.”

“Yeah,” Lister sighed, “Of course they will. At least Rimmer’s music will have stopped.”

“Take care of yourself, Dave.” Todhunter started to walk away.

                Lister watched him go and was surprised to feel a pang of affection. Maybe he was overtired and overemotional, but the kindness the man had shown him – both now and previously – had touched him. “Hey…” he called tremulously, not entirely sure what he was doing. Todhunter half-turned and looked back at him curiously. Lister swallowed hard. He was nervous suddenly and his throat was dry. What _was_ he doing? “Go out with me,” he heard his voice say. Todhunter gave him a peculiar look and turned to face him properly. “Really?” he asked with polite surprise.

“Yeah,” Lister said, “Take me out. Somewhere fun.”

“Just the two of us?”

“Just the two of us.”

“Like a date?”

“Yeah. Why not?”

“Are you sure?”

“No,” Lister said honestly, “But I’ll give it a shot.”

                Todhunter nodded agreeably, “Okay. Tonight?”

“Okay.”

“I’ll pick you up at eight.”

“No. Don’t do that. I’ll come to you.” A tiny smile twitched one corner of Lister’s mouth, “Remember what happened last time you came to my door?”

“Ah. Yes. I see your point. Eight o’clock then.”

“I’ll be there.”


	2. Chapter 2

That night, Lister waited until Rimmer had left for his study group before starting to get ready. He didn’t want to answer any awkward questions about who he was going out with. He pulled a few outfits out of his wardrobe and examined them critically. He didn’t have many clothes and, without knowing where Todhunter was taking him, it was hard to know what was appropriate. After much deliberation he settled on his least battered pair of black leather trousers with a black t-shirt and snuck a plain grey shirt out of Rimmer’s side of the wardrobe to wear over the top. It was a little too big but he rolled the sleeves up to the elbows to try and hide it. He checked his reflection in the mirror, puffed up his cheeks and let the air out slowly.

                He still wasn’t sure why he was doing this. He’d never been on a date with a guy before. He was fairly sure he didn’t fancy Todhunter and knew he wasn’t in the right frame of mind to be starting a new relationship with anyone anyway. But smeg it all, he needed to get out and enjoy himself again, he’d been moping for too long. His brief fling with Kochanski had helped his confidence immeasurably in the short time they’d been together, but the break-up had damaged it more so. For whatever reason, Todhunter seemed to genuinely like him and without his encouragement he might have never had the guts to try and make a go of things with Kriss in the first place. Ulterior motives or not, the guy had a way of making him feel good about himself. Lister could use an ego boost right now.

                At eight o’clock he pushed the buzzer for Todhunter’s quarters on the officers’ deck and stood back a little nervously. Todhunter emerged in neatly pressed slacks, shiny shoes and a smart blazer. “Hello. Somehow, after reading all Rimmer’s reports, I didn’t expect you to be on time.”

“If you’re basing everything you know about me off what you’ve read in Rimmer’s reports then I’m amazed you agreed to this.” Lister grinned cheekily.

“Well, I suppose I have a certain admiration for those brave enough to be rebellious.”

“You’re going to be sorely disappointed then,” Lister teased, “It’s all lies. I’m really as square and boring as they come.”

“That would be a great shame,” Todhunter smiled. “You look nice, by the way.”

“Oh. Thanks,” Lister replied, surprised. He wasn’t used to receiving such compliments. Trying to hide his bashfulness, he eyed Todhunter’s more refined attire up and down playfully. “Y’know, you don’t scrub up too bad either, man.”

“I’m glad you think so.”

                “So where are we going?” Lister asked as they started to wander down the corridor to the lifts. “I thought I’d stick with the classics,” Todhunter said, “Drinks and dinner. If it’s okay with you, that is.”

“Yeah, I’m cool with that,” Lister shrugged. He felt a little less cool when they stepped out of the lift again and he saw where they were headed. “The Officers Club? Will they let me in?”

“They will if you’re with me.”

“Brutal,” Lister said uncertainly. The doorman looked mildly surprised when they strolled up to the entrance but nodded to Lister in a friendly enough way as he waved them through. When they stepped into the club however, Lister saw a lot of eyes looking their way and not all of them looked welcoming. He stayed close to Todhunter’s side as he strode confidently towards the bar. “What can I get you?” he asked.

“I feel like now isn’t the right time to ask for a pint of Leopard,” Lister looked around self-consciously at the luxurious surroundings. He was fairly sure this was the only place on board with actual chandeliers.

“You can have whatever you like.”

“I don’t know,” Lister said nervously, “You choose.”

“Very well,” Todhunter turned to the bartender, “Two vodka martinis, if you’d be so kind.”

“Shaken not stirred?” Lister joked.

“Of course.”

“I feel so classy,” Lister grinned as he took the drink.

“See, what were you worried about? You fit right in.”

“I’m not sure the rest of the clientele agree with you, but what do I care? I’m a rebel, after all.” They clinked their glasses together.

                They made shy conversation as they sipped their drinks. After last night, Lister was more than happy to take it slow on the booze. Every now and then he’d glance around the room and catch people staring at them, who’d quickly look away again. At least once he heard distinctly mean-sounding sniggering and tried to tell himself it wasn’t necessarily aimed at him. “What time are we having dinner?” he asked Todhunter.

“8.30. I’ve booked us a table in the salon next door.”

“You trying to give me the ol’ razzle dazzle?” he teased nervously, his heart sinking. He wasn’t sure he could sit through a whole meal being stared at.

“Of course,” Todhunter smiled, “But we can go somewhere else if you’d prefer.”

“No. No, this is fine. It’s just….” Lister’s eyes fixed on something just over Todhunter’s shoulder and his face fell dramatically. “Oh no.”

“Dave?” Todhunter turned to see what had caused Lister’s expression of sudden dismay, “What’s the…? Oh no.” Kochanski had just walked into the club with a group of work colleagues.

                “What are the odds?” Todhunter sighed.

“Has she seen me yet?” Lister asked nervously, huddled down over his drink, “Is she looking? Should I go up to her and say hi? What do I do?”

“Sit up. Stop hiding. Pretend you haven’t noticed her.”

“But…”

“C’mon. Chin up, shoulders back. Look at me. Pretend I’m saying something fascinating.”

“I can’t just…”

“Pink elephants,” Todhunter said abruptly. Lister did a double-take.

“Eh?”

“Rhinos in tutus. Dancing badgers. Chimps tea parties.”

“Have you lost the plot?”

“That’s good, now I’ve got your attention. I’m distracting you.”

“It’s working.”

“Good. Now laugh like I’m saying something funny.”

“Oh, come on,” Lister was actually smiling now, despite himself.

“I mean it. Go on.”

“It’ll look fake.”

“Remember that time Rimmer showed up for inspection naked?”

“That wasn’t funny,” Lister was grinning now, “You have no idea how much trouble I got in over those smegging mushrooms.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. He was very brave tackling those dangerous giraffes.” Lister dissolved into giggles. “Stop it.”

“It’s a shame. The whole ensemble would have been set off nicely with a flat cap to go with the driving gloves and goggles.”

“Yeah, a _hat_ is really what that outfit needed.”

“I wasn’t suggesting he wear it on his head,” Todhunter wriggled his eyebrows and Lister cracked up.

                “Dave?” he looked up. Kochanski was hovering a few feet away, waiting by the bar. She looked perplexed and a little nervous. “What are you doing in here?”

“Oh,” he stammered, “I’m er…I’m er…”

“David is my charming date for this evening,” Todhunter filled in, smiling warmly.

“Really?” she asked, unable to hide her surprise, “I mean…that’s nice. Obviously. But I wouldn’t have expected…I didn’t know that you…” she struggled to find the words. Lister, despite the blush still staining his cheeks, rallied. “What can I say? He wore me down.”

“Well, it’s nice to see you. I’m glad that you’re doing okay.” She was still looking back and forth between them as if expecting them to shout ‘Surprise’ at any moment and admit this whole thing was a joke. “Darling,” Todhunter leaned forward and, gently taking Lister’s elbow, drew him out of his seat and towards the door, “We’d better be going if we’re going to make that dinner reservation.”

“Oh. Er, yeah.” Lister gave Kochanski a final awkward smile, “Bye then.”

“Bye.” She still looked stunned. Todhunter kept his hand on Lister’s arm as he steered him out.

“Keep walking,” he murmured, “Whatever you do, do not look back at her.”

“Right,” Lister said weakly.

Once they were out the door and back in the corridor, Lister let out a long breath. “What the hell just happened?”

“You just showed your ex-girlfriend that you’ve moved onwards and upwards. And everyone in the Officers Club saw it. Tomorrow the whole ship will know.”

“Did you plan this?”

“No. But I’d say it worked out rather nicely, wouldn’t you?”

“What about dinner? I thought we were eating here?”

“It doesn’t matter. We’ll go somewhere else. You weren’t really at ease in there anyway.”

“Was it really that obvious?” Lister asked, embarrassed.

“Forget about it. Let’s do something different. Something _fun_.”

 

                “Well, this is certainly different,” Todhunter remarked a short while later as the sound of bowling pins clattered around them. Lister picked up a ball and weighed it thoughtfully before selecting another, “What’s the matter? Afraid I’ll beat ya?”

“I haven’t been bowling for years.”

“You’d better brush up your skills quick because I am the _kingpin_ , y’know what I’m saying?”

“You go first then and show me how it’s done,” Todhunter bowed and took a seat. Lister lined himself up with a wriggle, then took a run up and threw. The ball thundered down the lane but veered to the right and only took down seven pins. “I may not have a complete grasp of this game,” Todhunter told him, “But isn’t the point to knock down all of the pins?”

“Hey, I’m just warming up.  Goin’ easy on you.”

“Well, that’s very kind. Let’s see how I measure up, shall we?” Todhunter shrugged off his jacket and rolled up his sleeves. Lister watched as he lined himself up, then threw with careful precision. The ball spun down the centre of the lane and smashed every pin out of the way in a clear strike.

“YIIIISSS!” Lister crowed in surprised disbelief, “Todhunter! Get down!”

“Indeed,” Todhunter smiled, obviously pleased, “You know, you can call me Frank. We are on a date, after all.”

“I don’t know,” Lister smiled back, “That seems very insurbordinate.”

“I’ll let it slide for tonight.”

“Well, if I’m in the clear for tonight then I’m calling you a jammy git. You told me you hadn’t played for ages!”

“I haven’t. But I was rather good in my college years. Like riding a bike it seems.”

                A waitress on roller skates skidded up with a big box of cheesy chilli fries, popcorn chicken and milkshakes. “I don’t think I’ve eaten like this since college either,” Todhunter added.

“You poor thing,” Lister mocked, “Having to survive off oysters and champagne.”

“It’s a hardship,” Todhunter agreed, helping himself to some fries.

                It turned out to be a fun evening. Back in his comfort zone, Lister relaxed and the conversation and banter flowed more easily between them. He still noticed people looking at them, but it didn’t bother him. Hell, for all most of these people knew, they were just hanging out. It might be odd but it wasn’t impossible. And even if they suspected it was something more, so what? He could do a lot worse.

                On the last throw, Todhunter choked and threw a gutterball, handing victory to Lister. Lister jumped up and did a dance. “Alright! The scouser takes the crown!”

“Well, dangit,” Todhunter shook his head, “I suppose he does.”

Lister paused mid-moonwalk and eyed him suspiciously, “Hang on a minute. Did you let me win?”

“Of course not. It’s all down to your very own brilliance.”

“You’ve been smashing out strikes all night and then you drop it on the last go? Pull the other one.”

“Just one of those things.”

“Come on, ‘fess up!” Lister jabbed at him playfully, “You did that on purpose!”

Todhunter caught hold of his arms to save himself from the onslaught, “Even if I did, you’ll never prove it,” he told him smugly. They looked at each other and Lister was suddenly aware that this was flirting, _actual_ flirting, and not just friendly horseplay. He blushed and drew back, “I guess I’ll have to take your word for it then,” he said, “I mean, I _am_ brilliant, after all.”

“Yes. You are.” Todhunter agreed softly.

                The lights went down on their lane as the last pins were swept away. “What do you want to do now?” Lister asked.

“Normally I’d suggest heading to the bar, but after last night I’m not so sure that’s wise.”

“You may have a point. I felt pretty lousy this morning. Did you know they’ve closed Parrots, by the way?”

“Er, yes,” A strange expression flickered over Todhunter’s face briefly.

“Weird, isn’t it? The place was open for business last night and then when I went past today it was all shut up.”

“Um...” Todhunter looked around with just a hint of self-consciousness. “I suppose…if you did want a nightcap, or even just a coffee maybe, you could always…”

“Yeah?”

“Well, you could come back to my place.”

                Lister raised an eyebrow, “Really?” he teased gently, “You know you’ll have to explain to Rimmer why my performance is suffering if you keep me up late.”

“It’s alright. Silly of me to ask. I would hate for you to feel in any way obliged or…”

“Hey, hey,” Lister interrupted, “I didn’t say no.”

“Oh,” Todhunter blinked, “So…Do you want to come back to mine?”

Lister thought for a moment before replying. Did he? It had certainly been a pleasant enough evening. He’d enjoyed himself far more than he’d expected. He still wasn’t quite sure how he felt about this as a ‘date’, but Todhunter had been great company and nothing but charming. And there had been that moment just now, when he’d thought maybe – just maybe – there could be something of a spark there. He didn’t think anything was going to happen between them, nothing serious at any rate, but he felt like he wanted to play this through to the end to see where it led. “Okay,” he said. “Yeah. Let’s do it.”


	3. Chapter 3

                The journey back to Todhunter’s quarters was quiet with an air of subtle tension. When the door hummed closed behind them, Todhunter slipped off his jacket and hung it up. “Do you want a coffee?” he asked politely, “Or something a bit stronger?”

“Coffee would be great, thanks.”

“Coming right up. Take a seat, won’t you?” he gestured to the couch and headed towards the small kitchenette. “Wait,” Lister said suddenly. Todhunter stopped and faced him expectantly. “I just…” Lister spoke haltingly, trying to figure out what he wanted to say. ”I just want to say thank you.”

“For what?”

“For taking me out tonight.”

“Well, you asked me, to be fair.”

“Oh. Yeah, I guess I did. But thanks anyway. For being so nice. For what you did at the club earlier. For showing me a good time. I really needed this.”

“It’s my pleasure,” he said sincerely. He walked over and touched Lister’s shoulder. “I’m not daft,” he said kindly, “I know you’re not interested in me; not in the way I wish you could be. But I really enjoyed this, and I’m glad we did it.”

“I had a nice time tonight,” Lister told him, “A really nice time actually. Maybe I’m just a little all over the place right now, I don’t know, but I didn’t expect this.”

“What?”

“I thought we’d chat a bit, maybe have a couple of laughs and that would be it. I didn’t expect to feel...well, anything. But actually I do; I’m just not sure what yet.”

“Really?” There was honest surprise in Todhunter’s face, but a glimpse of hope too.

“Don’t get me wrong,” Lister said quickly, “I’m not asking you to take me here and now. I don’t know exactly what this is, but I feel like there is _something_ here and I wasn’t prepared for that. Do you know what I mean?”

                “Yes,” Todhunter nodded slowly, “I know. I thought maybe I was reading too much into it and I certainly don’t want to assume anything, but I feel something too.” Lister swallowed hard.

“So where do we go with this? What happens now?”

“What would you like to happen?”

“I honestly don’t know.”

Todhunter thought for a moment. “I’d like to kiss you,” he said softly, “Would that be alright?”

Lister’s heart skipped a beat but he wasn’t sure if it was excitement or nerves. “What the hell,” he said eventually with a feeble smile, “It can’t hurt.”

                Todhunter moved closer and put his hands on Lister’s hips. He felt Lister draw in a soft breath and he hesitated. “Don’t feel like you have to,” he said seriously.

“I don’t,” Lister told him. Todhunter looked down at him warmly,

“I really like you, you know. I understand that you’re in a difficult place at the moment, and you’re probably not ready for anything dramatic, but I want you to know that if this...works for you, if you want things to go further, then I won’t make any demands on you. You know my situation. I’m a married man on a very long leash. If no strings attached is what you need right now, I can give you that.”

“Not gonna lie,” Lister remarked, “The idea of that has its appeal at the moment. But let’s take this one step at a time, yeah?”

“Of course.”

“Hey. Whatever happens next,” Lister told him tenderly, “You’re a really great guy...,” he looked up shyly, “...Frank.”

                Todhunter leaned down and kissed him. Lister went with it, took his brain off the hook, and waited to see what his body thought. It was okay. It was nice. There was a brief second when it was more than that; but only a second. When they finally moved apart, Todhunter looked down into his eyes and smiled ruefully.

“Nothing?” he asked sadly.

“I’m sorry,” Lister said sheepishly.

“Don’t be. I appreciate the opportunity.”

“It wasn’t bad, y’know,” Lister reassured him, “It just wasn’t what it needed to be.”

“I understand. But just so you know, from my end, it was lovely.” Lister smiled and blushed. “Would you still like that coffee?” Todhunter asked.

“Yeah,” Lister said, “Go on then.”

                As they waited for the coffee machine to do its work, Todhunter picked up his screen remote. “You don’t mind if I check my messages, do you?”

“No, go ahead.” The screen blinked on and they were greeted with Captain Hollister’s large face.

“Frank, hi,” he drawled, “I wondered if you’d drop by my office tomorrow morning. I was going to tell you I think I found a solution to The Lister Problem but, judging by some of the reports I’m hearing from the Officer’s Club this evening, it sounds like you might already have it covered. Come by at nine and we’ll go through it. See you tomorrow.”

                The screen blinked off and there was a long awkward silence. Todhunter looked over at him guiltily and Lister finally found his voice. “Lister Problem?” he asked timidly, “What does that mean?”

“Dave, I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say.”

“Am I in some kind of trouble?” Lister asked nervously.

“No,” Todhunter reassured him, “You haven’t done anything wrong.”

“So what’s going on?”

“This is really hard to explain,” Todhunter rubbed at his face.

“Try.”

“God, this is really awkward. I don’t know if this should be coming from me. Certainly not after the evening we’ve just shared.”

“I don’t understand. Is there an issue with us having been on a date? Are you not supposed to fraternise with junior staff or something?”

“Maybe you should come to the captain’s office with me tomorrow. It might be best if we all sit down and discuss this properly.”

“Okay,” Lister agreed nervously, “If you think so.”

“Please don’t look so scared. You really have nothing to worry about.”

“Can’t you tell me _anything?_ ”

                Todhunter gave him a strange look, obviously fighting some inner debate. “Dave,” he said, “Last night. Do you really not remember anything?”

“I remember getting plastered and weepy in Parrots and waking up with my head full of fire and hammond organ music. That’s pretty much it.”

“That’s it? Nothing else?”

“No. Why? What did I do?”

“Never mind,” Todhunter sighed heavily, “ _You_ didn’t do anything. We’ll talk about it tomorrow.”

 

                The next morning, Lister hovered anxiously outside the captain’s office just before nine. He’d been practically crapping himself all the way up here. Whatever this was about, it had to be pretty big to be discussed at this level of command, particularly on a ship this size. When he’d told Rimmer he was going to be late for his shift and why, Rimmer’s face had been a picture. “What have you done?” he’d demanded and Lister could only shrug. When Todhunter entered the outer office they nodded to each other awkwardly. “Ready?”

“For what?” Lister asked helplessly. Todhunter patted his shoulder and steered him through into the main office.

                Hollister’s expression when he saw them both would have been amusing if Lister hadn’t been so antsy. “I’m sorry, Sir,” Todhunter said apologetically, “I thought it might be beneficial if Lister was included in discussions. It’s time he knew what’s been going on.”

“I suppose you may have a point,” Hollister conceded grudgingly, “Take a seat then, both of you.”

Hollister twirled his pen in his fingers, avoiding looking directly at Lister. Good god, this was awkward. Where did he even start? “Lister,” he said, “You’ve been on-board for, what, about a year now?”

“Yes, sir.”

“It’s been,” Hollister glanced at the personnel file in front of him, “…eventful.”

“Well,” Lister allowed just a hint of resentment to creep into his voice, “I do share quarters _and_ a job with Rimmer. Sir,” he added quickly.

“Indeed.” Anyone in their right mind would make allowances for that, Hollister conceded silently.   “But I understand there’s been a few personal issues recently too? Relationship issues?”

Lister squirmed in his seat, clearly not relishing the reminder, “Nothing I won’t get over,” he replied with a bravado that didn’t match the wounded look in his eyes. “And you are? Getting over it, I mean? Ready to move on?” Hollister asked.

“Yes, sir,” Lister said. He shared a glance with Todhunter. Was that a reference to their date last night? Did Hollister think they were an item? And why would that matter? Todhunter’s face gave him no clues. “I mean,” he said quickly, “I’m ready to move on, but I haven’t. There’s nothing going on...” he gestured vaguely between himself and Todhunter, “...here. We went out last night but it wasn’t anything, y’know, inappropriate.”

“The rumour I heard was that you two were seen together last night looking very, er, comfortable,” Hollister said.

“It was just one date. That’s all. We hung out, had a bite to eat, had some fun. I mean,” Lister added quickly, “ _Innocent_ fun. No ‘fraternising’.”

“That’s fine,” Hollister said, in a guarded way, “None of us want to stop you having fun. I’m sure you could use it right now. I know the last few weeks have been tough for you.”

Lister didn’t know what else to say. Where the hell was this going? Why would the captain give a toss that Kochanski had dumped him? Was this about the other night in the bar, when he’d had that little breakdown? Had someone maybe reported the incident? Did they think he was suicidal? But why would he be talking to the captain rather than the ship’s psychiatrist? It made no sense. “I’m fine,” he said limply.

“Good. Good.” Hollister said briskly. “You’re a very _popular_ member of the crew. You know that, right?”

“Um, I s’pose so,” Lister responded, surprised. Hollister was giving him a very strange look. “I mean, I try to get along with everyone.”

“But, as of right now, you are not seeing anyone? You’re not attached?”

“Like Dave said,” Todhunter chipped in mildly, “There was nothing untoward about last night. It was just a date and nothing happened.”

“Very well.” Hollister steeled himself, “In that case, let me share with you both an idea I’ve been working on. I have something of a proposition for you, Lister.”

“Okay,” Lister replied cautiously.

“How would you like a promotion?”

“A promotion?” Lister certainly hadn’t been expecting that.

“It’s an unusual post. Before I tell you the details, I want you to know that you are absolutely within your rights to refuse.”

“Would it be more money?”

“A lot more.”

“Would I get a new room?”

“Yes.”

“Would I still have to work with Rimmer?”

“No.”

“I’ll do it.”

“Let me just go through the details with you before you decide,” Hollister told him warily.

“Come on,” Lister joked, “It can’t be that bad. I’m already the lowest rank on the ship and the service droids do all the really mucky stuff.”

                Hollister twirled his pen uneasily. “As I said, you’re very popular on board. You seem to have a way with people, for want of a better phrase.”

“I do my best,” Lister said cheerfully. This meeting was definitely looking up. Maybe the ‘problem’ Hollister had referred to last night was that they’d realised they were under-utilising his talents.

“What I’m trying to say is, people seem to be drawn to you.”

“Hey, I’m magnetic,” Lister flashed a winning smile. Hollister shared a strained look with Todhunter.

“Yes,” he agreed. “Lister, I’d like to make you the ship’s Relations Officer.”

                Lister looked impressed, “What does that mean? Like PR and stuff?”

“Um…More in the line of intimate relations than public relations.”

“So, mediation? Resolving disputes? Conflict management?”

“Think more…libido management.”

“Sir!” Todhunter objected, shocked.

“Like a sex therapist?” Lister asked, surprised by Todhunter’s clear disapproval.

“Yeees,” Hollister said slowly, “Now you’re more in the right area.”

“Don’t the psych team deal with all that stuff?”

“The mental side, yes. I was hoping you’d take more of a lead on the physical side.”

“But I’m not a doctor.”

“What I had in mind was more about art than science.”

“Sir,” Todhunter interrupted again, more firmly, “I’m _really_ not sure that this is appropriate.”

“He’s right,” Lister added, “Wouldn’t I still need some kind of qualification?”

“If the rumours around this ship are true, then you are _more_ than qualified,” Hollister said, then blushed fiercely.

                Lister stared at him for a long moment, digesting this. The penny finally dropped. “Are you…” he finally asked disbelievingly, “…Are you asking me to have sex with people?”

“Well, yes. If you want to be technical about it,” Hollister admitted, his face now tomato red.

“Is this some kind of company policy they don’t like to brag about?” Lister’s eyes were wide.

“No,” Todhunter was openly cringing now. He looked both embarrassed and angry. “This is most definitely _not_ JMC policy.”

“It’s a new initiative I’m introducing,” Hollister said defensively.

“A sex initiative? Why?” Lister asked.

                Hollister gripped his pen like a comfort blanket. “Well,” he said, “It has been highlighted to me recently that there appears to be something of a build-up of sexual tension on board.”

“Sexual tension?” Lister leaned back in his chair with a puzzled expression, uncrossing his legs. Hollister’s gaze slid downwards and, oh yes, there were Lister’s qualifications. The rumours had not exaggerated. He gulped. “Yes,” he said hoarsely. “It has become clear that an outlet is required to let off some of that…steam.”

“And you’re asking _me_ to be that outlet?”

“Yes. Er…how do you feel about that?” Hollister asked, in as professional a tone as he could manage.

“Honestly,” Lister told him, “I’m not sure what to say.”

“It’s a very generous package we’d be offering you.” _And you’d be offering us_ , he thought to himself.

“I may be the lowest rank on this ship but that doesn’t automatically mean I’ll do anything for a pay rise,” Lister told him indignantly.

“No, no, of course not. I would never want to insinuate that,” Hollister said quickly.

“Then why are you asking me?”

“There appears to be some demand for your services.”

“Excuse me?”

“You realise you’re a very desirable young man?”

“Well, yeah,” Lister fronted, wriggling self-consciously in his seat. “Obviously.”

“Are you aware that there are a lot of people on board who would very much like to…get to know you better?”

“Sir, _please_ ,” Todhunter’s face was in his hands now.

“You mean shag me?” Lister clarified.

“As I told you,” Hollister reiterated, “You are perfectly entitled to say no. I mean, nobody wants to make you uncomfortable.”

“Uncomfortable?” Lister repeated sarcastically, “Why would you say that? I mean, why the hell would dragging me up here and asking me if I want to be the ship’s bike make me _uncomfortable_?”

“Relations Officer,” Hollister reminded him pathetically. Lister stared him down. “Look, I realise how this sounds…” Hollister added, embarrassed.

“Do you? Because I think it sounds like the basis for one hell of a sexual harassment lawsuit.”

“I agree, Sir,” Todhunter backed him up, “This is absolutely beyond the pale.”

“Now let’s not be hasty.”

“Hasty? You’re trying to pimp me out!” Lister exclaimed.

“No-one is going to pimp you out, but we need to do something.”

“Why?”

“Because we don’t want any more riots on our hands.”

                Lister turned to Todhunter, “Riots? What does that mean?”

“Don’t you know how much trouble you’ve caused?” Hollister asked impatiently. Lister looked back and forth between them helplessly, “I don’t understand.”

Todhunter leaned forward and spoke to him sympathetically, “As the captain says, there are a lot of people on board, male and female, who have taken quite a shine to you, Dave. It’s caused a bit of friction.”

“Friction?!” Hollister piped up, “They’ve had to close Parrots Bar for refurbishment!”

“What?”

“A fight broke out the other night,” Todhunter explained gently, “Over you. Things got a little out of control. You really don’t remember?”

“No!” Lister protested. He had a vague woolly memory of some shouting, but he hadn’t paid any attention. He’d been too drunk and mired in misery and hadn’t thought it was anything to do with him. “It’s not the first time either,” Hollister said grumpily, “There’s been other scraps but nothing else on this scale.”

“Is this a wind-up?” Lister asked suspiciously.

“I’m afraid not,” Todhunter said sadly. “Don’t you know how much everyone likes you? Did you not see all the people staring at us last night? In the club? At the bowling alley?”

“I saw some people looking,” Lister admitted, “I thought it was just because they were surprised to see us together.”

“I’m sure a lot of them were, but that’s not the only reason.”

“Some of those people in the Officers Club were giving us daggers!”

“Me. Not you. A couple of them might have just been snobs, but I know at least four of them were outright jealous and probably thinking I was using my rank to take advantage of you.”

                Lister cradled his head, “This is dumb. The whole smegging thing is dumb.”

“I agree,” the captain said sourly, “But there it is. Something needs to be done.”

“And this is your solution?” Lister asked incredulously, “I can either shag no-one or everyone?”

“Not _everyone_. And there would be some pretty big perks,” Hollister coaxed. Lister caught himself thinking about it for a second. Kissing Todhunter last night had been painless enough. A nice room to himself, a big fat paycheck every month. There might be some tasty customers who’d help him get over Kochanski. Maybe he could lie back and think of Earth for the ones that didn’t float his boat so much. Maybe he could do it.

“ _No_ ,” Todhunter said to him emphatically, seeing his thoughtful expression, “You don’t have to do this. Don’t let him pressure you.”

“It might not be so bad...”

“Really? What are you going to do when Rimmer shows up at your door with the chocolate body paint and edible underpants?”

“He wouldn’t!” Lister hesitated. “Would he?”

“If he thinks he can pretend he’s using you like a facility rather than admitting he actually has feelings for you, he might well do. A _lot_ of people might do. Is that really what you want?”

                “Of course,” Hollister said, “There is another option.”

“Which is?” Lister asked suspiciously.

“Stasis. We put you in stasis until we get back to Earth.”

“What would that be like?” Lister’s forehead creased nervously.

“Have you never travelled interstellar before?” Todhunter asked.

“No.”

“It’s more or less like being asleep. Only you won’t technically exist.”

“Does it hurt?”

“Not at all. For you it would be like stepping in and stepping straight out again.”

“But I’d lose three years of my life!”

“Think of it as gaining three years,” Hollister told him, “You’ll be the same age when you come out.”

“I don’t know. It seems a little weird.”

“You’ll still get paid while you’re out for the count. That’ll all add up, especially if we give you a little raise.”

                Lister pondered this. Three years of untouched wages _would_ add up nicely, even on his meagre salary. It would certainly be a good return on what was basically a long nap. No more grotty shifts, no more crap from Rimmer. He could be home in what would feel like the blink of an eye. He looked at Todhunter. “What do you think?”

“It’s your decision. I know it seems extreme but perhaps it is the best thing to do. I’ll miss you about the place, a lot of people will, but the captain is right. Things can’t go on as they are. Sooner or later someone will get seriously hurt and it might even be you.”

“What will you tell people? About why I’m gone?”

“We’ll think of something. Don’t worry about that.”

                Lister looked thoughtfully out of the window. Far off in the distance, a blue light twinkled. Earth. Home. He was ready to go back. Now, with Kochanski gone, he had nothing to stick around for. He had some friends but no-one who he was overly attached to. In his current emotional state, even the knowledge that he could have his pick of flings onboard this ship didn’t hold much attraction. “Too sexy for my own good, huh?” he smirked ironically, “Who knew?”

“What’s it to be, Lister?” Hollister asked.

Lister heaved a weary sigh. “Fine,” he said, defeated, “What the hell. I’ll go into stasis. Preserve my good looks. It’ll keep me outta trouble at least. What’s the worst that can happen when you don’t exist?” He looked back at the distant blue glow of Earth and, having made his decision, relaxed a little. He’d be home soon.

 

What could go wrong?

 


End file.
